Should I Do This?

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thefieldsofice's avatar
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A friend of mine is in an abusive relationship, and I've finally had enough of sitting on the sidelines. I wrote this letter and plan on giving it to her in person this weekend, or sooner if need be. Should I go through with this? Why or why not? Should I change anything?


Ask yourself, are you happy in this relationship? Please don’t misunderstand my question. I’m not asking if you’re in love with him, but if you are happy with him.

Please just take a step back from where you are, and look at this from my perspective. Think about how many times you find yourself in a fight over something so pointless. Think about all the times you’ve heard him say something you couldn’t believe. Think about how many times he’s made you cry. Think about all the times he’s lied. Think about all the times he’s used you for money. Think about all the times he’s disregarded what you thought, and wanted, only putting himself first.

I’ve watched this happen day after day and, I’m sorry, but I don’t believe that will change anytime soon. This isn’t a healthy relationship. Whether or not you realize it, this is not normal, nor is it something you should allow yourself to be put through. Just ask yourself if this constant fighting is something you want to put up with day after day.
I know each day you wake up thinking it’s a new day and that maybe things will be different, but each time it’s just the same thing.

Please know that I care about both of you very much. You’re both friends of mine, and I want to see the both of you happy. I doubt you’ll be able to see it, but I’m saying all of this so both of you can find that happiness.

As it stands today, I do not believe either of you are ready to be in a relationship. Until he is more emotionally mature, and capable of treating you with the respect and love any relationship should have, you cannot continue this.

I just need you to know that you don’t deserve any of this. You deserve to be treated so much better. You shouldn’t have to fight back thoughts of the bad moments when you find yourself in a good one. I only want the best for you and him, but with the way things are going, I can only foresee one outcome.

If you remember, I told you that I was speaking to both of you about how to fix this. When I spoke to you, I completely understood your perspective, but when I spoke to Dustin, some of the things he said were downright disgusting. I would make suggestions on how he should learn to think about what he says and does. When I brought up the constant arguments, he tried to place all the blame on you, as if he could do no wrong. When I talked to him about de escalating arguments, he basically disregarded everything I told him, and said he’d quote “finish it”. When I asked him if he’d follow any of my advice, he straight up told me he wouldn’t. This blatant arrogance isn’t healthy for you, as his partner, or us, as his friends, and it is something that needs to be corrected before a relationship can continue.

You have to take a stand and let him know you’re not taking this anymore. You have to realize that no one should be treated like this, and, no matter how much you love him, and how much it kills you to do it, you have to put yourself first and end this. Letting this continue as it is, is not healthy for either of you, and I need you to see it.

He shouldn’t blow you off, like it’s nothing. He shouldn’t control you, the way he does. He should cherish someone as generous and caring as you, not abuse it to his gain, like when he uses your money, goes behind your back, and buys the drugs you’ve told him you hate. He should treat you with love and respect, not just sometimes, but all the time. He should acknowledge your opinions and do his best to make the both of you happy, not just do as he pleases. He should be there to dry your tears, not be their cause.
A relationship is supposed to be 50/50, but it’s obvious that this isn’t the case.

You don’t want to hear any of this, I get it, and you might even hate me for saying it, but please listen. I’m not just doing this for you, but him as well. Neither of you are ready, and you need to put this relationship on hold until you are, otherwise I can only see things getting worse from here. Though let me be clear, I’m not saying Dustin isn’t right for you; I’m saying he’s not right now.

I care about you Alyssa, and I can’t stand to watch you cry and scream over him, only to come running back, starting the cycle all over again. I know you love him, and I know this is hard to accept, but we both know it’s the truth. I just want you, like all of my friends, to find happiness, and I hope I can still call you a friend after you finish reading this.
© 2015 - 2024 thefieldsofice
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GingaNinja177's avatar
I got to say that's some damn fine writing (as usual). If you are planning on Dustin seeing this or if he sees it, he could hold a grudge or worse, just so you know. And like you said, she might hate you for it, but if that's what it takes then do it. I wouldn't change anything, and if she truley sees you as a friend she will accept your advice. Good luck.